I met Stephanie when we both worked for Federated Media in Sausalito (just before we & the company moved to San Francisco). We shared an office (along with the rest of our department) in a funky little office building within walking distance of the Bay. Stephanie was so patient with me while I was learning the ropes, and something about her presence was really calming as I adjusted to a new job in a new city. Since leaving FM, I’ve been so grateful that we’ve kept in touch as she’s gone on to New York and I’ve bounced back to So Cal. I’m delighted to get to feature her today as the latest in this series!

When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was 17, I didn’t know where I was going to college, so I didn’t really have any sense of what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be at 39. I do remember watching When Harry Met Sally with some high school friends, and we were kind of obsessed with the idea of being in our 30s and living on our own in a cool city like New York, having interesting jobs, and finding the special someone to spend your life with. I do remember wanting to write books and travel to far-off lands, but beyond that I really didn’t have a clear goal or image of who I would be in my late-30s. Some things I was interested in were writing and photography, and part of me really wanted to become a novelist, and another part of me really wanted to become a photojournalist. I also had this interest in becoming a war correspondent.

Where are you in actuality?
Well, I did end up in a cool city such as New York! I moved out here with my boyfriend three years ago from San Francisco. Although it was really tough the first year finding a stable job and making ends meet, not to mention a snowy winter and a muggy summer, I really love living here. I haven’t finished a book, although I’ve started two, and am embarking on a third attempt that will hopefully turn into a full-fledged novel. I work in the interent industry, which is something I couldn’t even imagine when I was 17, but I really like the people I work with and the environment in which I’ve landed career-wise. It was a bit of a windy road getting to where I am, but I feel good to have gotten here. Also, I did end up traveling to remote places such as Nepal, Cambodia, the Philippines and Eastern Europe, and I lived in Japan, the Philippines and Prague, Czech Republic.

What’s great about where you landed instead?
As I got older, I realized that I needed to have a lot of other things going on in my life in order to sit down and write for hours, so becoming a full-time novelist just didn’t interest me as much. Also, I like working with people and on a team, so I leaned towards finding jobs that involved a lot of team work. Sometimes I still kick myself for not devoting more time to writing, but at the end of the day, I enjoy what I do, and I still have time to write. In terms of photojournalism, I do my own type of photojournalism, and definitely not in war zones. I like to take photos with my iPhone of scenes in my daily life around New York.

What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
I’d imagined more adventure and writing and less stability. I thought that I’d be working abroad, changing the world in some exotic locale instead of working a 9-5 job on a computer with not much impact on making the world a better place. I also couldn’t imagine the adult responsibilities and worries that started to pop up when I reached my 30s like digging myself out of debt while making ends meet in a recession.

Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
In a job I like, in a city I love with good friends nearby. I’d also like to be financially secure. Currently, I’m paying off debt and really want to be able to put that money towards building up a nice nest egg for my golden years. Would also like to devote more time to writing in these next 10 years.

photo by Caren Parmelee

This is what I’ve been thinking about lately: how common it is to hear people creating, accepting, validating, normalizing, and choosing limitation– and how easy it is to do that yourself.

Think about it. When speaking with others, how often do you witness exchanges like this?

Person One: A friend of mine just started his own company, and he’s doing great!

Person Two: That can be so difficult. I bet he’s got no time to himself anymore. It can take years for a small business to make a profit. How does his wife feel about the risk?

I don’t know about you, but I hear exchanges like this a lot. Or get responses like this when I’m sharing joy & good. Or– and this is the worst– catch myself doing it!

Well, I’ve decided that if I have a New Year’s Resolution beyond state my worth/make more money, it’s this: no more free passes on stating limitations, because I believe that those statements CREATE limitations.

In the past, when I’ve heard someone lay down the kind of negative thinking I outlined above, I have tended to go silent and just mentally stand my ground for good. From now on, I’m speaking up. I want to be an agent for good in my own life and in the lives of those I touch, and I think finding a loving way to bring us all up verbally is a good step in that direction.

Last night, I was talking to my mom, and she gave me a terrific opportunity to take this kind of stand. She was so tired, curled up on her bed, and I was saying goodnight to her at the end of a lovely Christmas. She laid out her work schedule for me in a tone that suggested that the prospect of putting in all those hours was weighing on her heavily. I said, “I bet it will be easy and fun, and you’ll be so happy to get that paycheck at the end of it all!”

She thought for a moment and said, “Ok.”

That’s it. That’s what I’m working on from now on. You tell me someone started a company, and I want to say,: “That’s awesome! Good for that guy for taking his life into his own hands!”

Rachel Dickey and I have been friends since she was 15 and I was 17. I was the TA in her “baby” drama class, and she took my lucky brother to a homecoming dance. Rachel made an impression with her free-spiritedness, complete lack of a filter when speaking, and willingness to appear in her underwear in public. As an adult, she has created such a beautiful life with her husband and kids, you’d never guess how much she loves Depeche Mode and vampires. 

When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was 17 I was too consumed with being 17 to ever consider what I would be doing at 33.  I thought 33 was old and boring (which it kinda is).  I was a carefree, self absorbed teen who had never been in love, experienced grief, owed any debt, or had any real responsibilities, and of course I knew everything.  I remember thinking I was at the top of my game, and I kinda was– for being totally clueless.  I had some idea about going to college, but that was it.  What I really wanted most at 17 was to have a boyfriend.

Where are you in actuality?
I currently live in San Francisco, and I am still amazed that I live in such a cool city. I have just had my second child, and I am blissfully happy.  Because I had no set expectations I did all sorts of things in my 20′s.  After college I packed up and moved to Lake Tahoe on a whim and ended up waiting tables.  I am very proud to say that I was able to support myself in that profession.  I learned more about hard work as a waitress than I did in college.  No matter what kind of degree you have, if you forget their ketchup, you’re screwed.  I followed a boy to Reno, Nevada and worked at a casino nightclub.  I ended up marring said boy.  The one thing that has been consistent in my live is my love and support for the arts.  I have continued to work in the non-profit arts world since I graduated from high school.  I currently work at the San Francisco Opera, which sounds fancier than it actually is.

What’s great about where you landed instead?
Landed?  I don’t feel as though I’ve landed at all.  I have a brand new baby, things are just beginning!

What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Well I didn’t have any set goals about where I would be so I’m constantly surprised.  I did go to college and I did get myself a boyfriend.  I grew from both experiences.  I never really had huge expectations about having a family, which is currently the is the main focus of my life.  My experiences have made me a more appreciative and empathetic person.

Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Ten years from now I hope to be rid of the child car seats that are now occupying the back seat of my Honda.  Yes, I will probably still have a Honda (hopefully an electric Honda).  I hope to be making more money, take vacations, continue to love my wonderful husband and have well behaved children.  Other then that it’s up in the air!  When you keep your expectations basic you can achieve your goals and have plenty of room for surprises!

My earliest memory of Christian is from our Freshman year of high school. We were standing in front of the makeup mirror at the end of PE, getting ready to head back into school. She was putting on her makeup and talking, and I just remember thinking “who IS this person???” She seemed SO confident– and she had only transferred into the public school system a month or so earlier. Where did she get off being that confident when she was both a Freshman AND a new kid? I was a little shocked, and I was definitely drawn to her. It didn’t take long for us to become close friends, and the friendship has stood the test of time. When we were teens, she sort of resisted her name (Christian Love is her maiden name), but she embraced it with gusto in our 20s, and she’s going strong with it now.

When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
I was certain I would be in Northern California, San Francisco or beyond. I would be doing something in the creative arts or teaching dance, but had no real direction or drive regarding college education. The 17 yr old me lacked internal confidence. A lot of fear of what others thought of me. Free spirited on outside but all wrapped up inside and afraid to stand for what I believed in my core… Hilariously, I was voted most likely to become a professional palm reader or fortune teller by my HS class. Had an “I’ll try anything once” philosophy and man did that get me in some trouble later on! I never really thought that I would be married with kids by now.

Where are you in actuality?
35 is awesome. We live in Orange after spending 5 years in Northern Cal. I married the crazy man my 21 year old crazy self fell in love with, we have 3 kids ranging 18 to 2 years old, a house, an old dog and a career that was unexpected. I feel such a sense of having been sorted out. I literally thank God daily for all of it. I have had the pleasure of working as an account executive for the last 10 years in the health food / nutrition industry. I get to hang out in health food stores all day, how cool is that! That’s the hippie in me speaking. I sell vitamins, woo hoo! And on top of that, I get to immerse myself in my #1 passion by leading our women’s ministry at church.

What’s great about where you landed instead?
Faith, family, kids, strength, confidence, it’s all great. The getting there was arduous but worth it. It is unreal and I feel so privileged that I can spend time, connect, and teach women all day every day in work and in my church service. Despite having so many incredible female friends, at 17 I would have said that I preferred to hang with guys, or that they were the easier friendship. Flash forward almost 20 years and God completely redirected my life and priorities. I have the craziest most overwhelming mama bear enthusiasm for all of the women I come in contact with. I love the Bible, I love nutrition, I love women and working and contributing in my community, it is all great and I am blessed with the whole kit and caboodle.

What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Most obvious is that I am busy and have less “creative play” time. We would, as a family, call this our industrious season, to the max. My husband and I both work full time teach and serve so there is not as much time to be sewing and beading and painting. I never thought I would not be dancing daily and that part of my life has taken a huge sideline, at least the daily part. Dance, choreography and movement are all in my head at this point. I blame the kids. I wake early and fall asleep early. If you had told me at 17 that 9pm was bedtime I would’ve laughed and snuck out a window.

Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Finding a way to be full time ministry leader and a making jewelry slash crafty slash homeschooley mom. I’m sure that could all fit together. Or not. I am happy to watch something new knit together over time without a clear vision of what I want to happen. I feel no need to visualize because it is the “out of the box” blessings that thrill me. For me, life is so surprising. I do hope for continued growth in my family and marriage. And my vision for our new house will be completed of course in the Coastal Ranch House decor I am dreaming of putting together. My house would have finished floors (hopefully) by then. Oh and I will successfully have learned to surf. Add it to the list.

I couldn’t resist adding this video we made at Grad Night, where you can see Christian’s early skills as a dancer. Christian is the one on the far left, and obviously, she was “most funky” in our little group…

When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
Hmm, well for one thing I NEVER thought in a million years I’d still be in the same house, the one I was actually born in years ago. I definitely didn’t plan on staying in this area, not that I knew where I wanted to live, just not exactly here.  I had a goal when I was younger (which I think started around the age of 17) to visit every inhabited continent by the age of 25 and planned on seeing the world.  Ultimately, I always knew I wanted to stay home with my children eventually, but that was after I accomplished a few things…college, grad school, etc.  By this age I think I thought I would be married and have a few kids, ultimately landing on 4.

Where are you in actuality?
Not far from where I was 18 years ago, geographically anyway and while I didn’t quite get to every continent, this year, just after my 35th birthday I finally made it to Africa (just over 10 years late).  After college, the idea of grad school wasn’t quite as interesting anymore and I decided to pursue a dream of living in Paris instead where I went to pastry school and practiced lots of French.  After much traveling and adventure, I married my best friend, who, thankfully, also loves to see the world.

In some respects I am right on target for where I thought I would be, however, in my grand scheme of amazing life “plans”, God seems to have a great sense of humor. First of all, when we got married, I wanted four children and my husband wanted 2. We didn’t talk much about it and I pursued a teaching credential and had been teaching a couple years when the desire to start a family came on me quite strongly, especially since I knew that’s what I ultimately wanted to do.  We got pregnant less than a year later, had a son, and were on “track” for growing our family, but not in any rush to have a lot of children right away.  At 14 months old, our son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes which definitely changed life as we knew it.  I had been a pretty easy-going mom, not too rigid with schedules or routines or passifiers falling on the ground, but life with diabetes requires a pretty strict structure, especially with eating, and my degree in patisserie wouldn’t prove quite as valuable to a child that has to have every carbohydrate counted that enters his body.  Nonetheless, God has been so good to us in this journey, really taking care of all of our needs and taking care of our sweet boy who has the most compassionate heart.

Okay (sorry this is long Leona :0), so here’s where all “my plans” just started slowly going out the window.  Since we live in the house I grew up in and it has needed a bit of TLC, we begin plans to remodel the kitchen when one day quite clearly God put it on our hearts that we were meant to adopt. We had been having intense conversations with some friends on what living a life for Jesus means and the fact that God constantly calls us to “care for orphans” would not leave us.  We decided to forego the kitchen dreams and sent in our paperwork.  Within a few days, someone at our church heard about our heart for orphans and all of a sudden we were helping lead the adoption ministry in a church of about 10,000.  We honestly laughed because we didn’t even know much about adoption at that point.

About 8 months after sending in our paperwork, we brought home our beautiful daughter from Korea and have since adopted two sons from Korea as well. Adoption was definitely not something I ever thought I would do, unless we had trouble getting pregnant.  Currently we have four children 7, 5, 3,  and 1 and I am pregnant with our fifth (and fourth son).  Once we decided to adopt my husband said we would “have two biological and adopt two”, but that didn’t quite happen and now we’ve just decided to not put a number on how many children we’ll have, because clearly God is in control and not us.  We also still have a heart to adopt from Africa someday and will see where He leads on that.

What’s great about where you landed instead?
While adoption never even entered my mind at 17, it has been such a blessing and an undeserved gift.  Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to have these precious children and other times I’m reminded of the challenges of having four kids under 8 .  I love being married to my best friend and am thankful that we have the same passions.  Through our journey of adopting and leading the adoption ministry we have also been so blessed to see other children given the gift of a family and there is nothing quite like it.  Some of our favorite stories are of couples, trapped in the fears of “what if” in adopting, stepping forward and bringing a child or in some cases children into their home and being forever changed!  It has truly been an honor to be able to say we played some small role in helping a child find a home and seeing these children with their families often makes me teary-eyed.

What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Like I said earlier, I never imagined being in the same place geographically and for me, who likes to travel and see the world, that can be difficult at times.  Some days I long for more open space or to live in another culture, but I am grateful to be able to have a home in this economy and it is hard to complain living inSouthern California.

And, while adoption is a beautiful gift, it is not without its challenges.  These are children who have suffered a great loss and often have fears of abandonnment and may have difficulty trusting and attaching.  One of our adopted children has had extreme sleep issues and another had a very hard time attaching.  When talking with others about adoption, we are usually very honest about the hardships, knowing it’s better to be prepared.

Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
When we got married we had a goal to travel the world for a year with our kids and that is definitely something we are hoping to do. (We even named our children after capital cities of the world hoping to take each of them to their special city some day.)  And, as our family continues to grow, it is unlikely that we will be able to stay in this home forever, so I do see a move in our future at some point, and considering God’s sense of humor with us, we will likely have a few more children (hopefully another girl or two).

I’ve never told Jodi Williams this, but I always used to think of her (jokingly) as my rival. When we were in high school, Jodi was the ultimate golden girl- cheerleader, class president, gorgeous, fun, dazzling all around. Of course all the guys were in love with her… it was a pretty one-sided rivalry. And it had no real fire behind it on my part because Jodi is– and always has been– a totally lovely person. She’s also one of those people who, I’m sorry to say, is probably a lot cooler than you. She is definitely cooler than me. Read her answers to my interview questions, and if you overlook how she’s currently spending her Monday evenings, I think you’ll have to agree. 

When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
I couldn’t fathom 35. At some point in very early life I decided that 17 was the optimum age – old enough to drive, young enough to get tried as a juvenile for any wrongdoings (honestly, I really thought that : note I have never been arrested and have always veered toward goody-two-shoesness).  So at 17 I was shocked – SHOCKED -  that I had reached the pinnacle of old age.  However, at 18, having neither died nor stopped time at 17, I decided I should have a vision. I took out a sheet of lined notebook paper, wrote down that I would travel the world until I was 25 and then become Secretary of State. Then I tucked that piece of paper back into my Bible (I was a good and regular churchgoer at that age.)

Where are you in actuality?
I am not Secretary of State. But the vision I had gave me a focus through my 20’s.

I stayed true to my word and traveled the world until I was 25. I lived in Ireland and England and China. I did a masters degree atCambridge in Inner Mongolian studies (useful!)  Then I moved to DC to work in politics (as necessary to be Secretary of State.) I worked in the Senate and on two presidential campaigns. Meeting and mingling and moving up the ladder. I took the Foreign Service Exam and passed all the interviews. And then, I said no.

I now live in a sleepy little apartment in West Hollywood. I have helped a friend start a new media company. Instead of flirting with secret service boys and being driven around in motorcades, my days now consist of an office everyday at 9 (okay, 9:30) and watching Modern Family on Monday nights. My life is very, very dull. And it is exactly where I want to be right now.

What’s great about where you landed instead?
There are SO many wonderful things. I take Italian classes. I see friends on a regular basis. I can schedule lunch with someone three weeks in advance (because I know what city I’ll be in)– and actually keep the appointment.   I get to see my parents and cousins, who live nearby, all the time. I don’t lose half my wardrobe in hotel rooms. I can (attempt) to grow plants and (attempt) to cook.   I can go to the gym and go hiking. Maybe soon I’ll even own a dog.  Whoohoo! Life is wonderful.  And most lovely of all about where I’ve landed– is the opportunity to be around the people I love and to build real and lasting relationships – especially with an amazing man I finally had the chance to meet once I stopped running around and to whom I am now engaged.

What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
There are at least two really formidable challenges, at least for me. The first, ripping up the script I had written for myself has been surprisingly terrifying. It gave me focus at a young age and I am grateful for that, but it was stomach churning to realize I wanted to deviate from it.

The second, acknowledging the compromises I’ve had to make for the life I have decided to live has been tough. For instance, swallowing the fact that there will probably be a lot more LuluLemon and a lot less Davos in my future is unsettling. I recognize that walking bambinos around Manhattan Beach is not a bad life – indeed is a blessed one and I am thrilled to build a future with my partner (which in reality, may or may not involve actually settling down and having kids – he has a bee in his bonnet to runaway to PeaceCorps). But I would be dishonest if I did not acknowledge the twinge I feel occasionally when I hear stories from friends now working at the White House or stationed as Foreign Service Officers in exotic locales. After years in DC, I made a conscious decision to drop out and move back to LA to concentrate on friends and family and a healthy, balanced life above and before my career. I am very glad that I did so. But I cannot say it was without loss or was made with crystal clear conviction.  I have had to mourn things– position, power, pizzaz!, travel, engagement and stories. And I’ve had to acknowledge that the decision was muddy. That it is muddy. But that’s ok. Life is muddy. Mud is Earth’s great compromise and there’s always a lot of it around.

Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Whoa. I just got to 35. Good grief, I honestly don’t know. I think at 36 I’ll need to go back and grab that Bible and tuck my dreams inside once again. Who knows, perhaps Madame Secretary will pull me again. I’d love if there’s a ranch in my world somewhere. Some kids with my by then beautiful husband Jed. Some cheesemaking. Some alpacas. Some teaching. And of course gaggles and gaggles of friends and laughter and many, many moments of unexpected and breathtaking beauty.