I met Stephanie when we both worked for Federated Media in Sausalito (just before we & the company moved to San Francisco). We shared an office (along with the rest of our department) in a funky little office building within walking distance of the Bay. Stephanie was so patient with me while I was learning the ropes, and something about her presence was really calming as I adjusted to a new job in a new city. Since leaving FM, I’ve been so grateful that we’ve kept in touch as she’s gone on to New York and I’ve bounced back to So Cal. I’m delighted to get to feature her today as the latest in this series!
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was 17, I didn’t know where I was going to college, so I didn’t really have any sense of what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be at 39. I do remember watching When Harry Met Sally with some high school friends, and we were kind of obsessed with the idea of being in our 30s and living on our own in a cool city like New York, having interesting jobs, and finding the special someone to spend your life with. I do remember wanting to write books and travel to far-off lands, but beyond that I really didn’t have a clear goal or image of who I would be in my late-30s. Some things I was interested in were writing and photography, and part of me really wanted to become a novelist, and another part of me really wanted to become a photojournalist. I also had this interest in becoming a war correspondent.
Where are you in actuality?
Well, I did end up in a cool city such as New York! I moved out here with my boyfriend three years ago from San Francisco. Although it was really tough the first year finding a stable job and making ends meet, not to mention a snowy winter and a muggy summer, I really love living here. I haven’t finished a book, although I’ve started two, and am embarking on a third attempt that will hopefully turn into a full-fledged novel. I work in the interent industry, which is something I couldn’t even imagine when I was 17, but I really like the people I work with and the environment in which I’ve landed career-wise. It was a bit of a windy road getting to where I am, but I feel good to have gotten here. Also, I did end up traveling to remote places such as Nepal, Cambodia, the Philippines and Eastern Europe, and I lived in Japan, the Philippines and Prague, Czech Republic.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
As I got older, I realized that I needed to have a lot of other things going on in my life in order to sit down and write for hours, so becoming a full-time novelist just didn’t interest me as much. Also, I like working with people and on a team, so I leaned towards finding jobs that involved a lot of team work. Sometimes I still kick myself for not devoting more time to writing, but at the end of the day, I enjoy what I do, and I still have time to write. In terms of photojournalism, I do my own type of photojournalism, and definitely not in war zones. I like to take photos with my iPhone of scenes in my daily life around New York.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
I’d imagined more adventure and writing and less stability. I thought that I’d be working abroad, changing the world in some exotic locale instead of working a 9-5 job on a computer with not much impact on making the world a better place. I also couldn’t imagine the adult responsibilities and worries that started to pop up when I reached my 30s like digging myself out of debt while making ends meet in a recession.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
In a job I like, in a city I love with good friends nearby. I’d also like to be financially secure. Currently, I’m paying off debt and really want to be able to put that money towards building up a nice nest egg for my golden years. Would also like to devote more time to writing in these next 10 years.
Rachel Dickey and I have been friends since she was 15 and I was 17. I was the TA in her “baby” drama class, and she took my lucky brother to a homecoming dance. Rachel made an impression with her free-spiritedness, complete lack of a filter when speaking, and willingness to appear in her underwear in public. As an adult, she has created such a beautiful life with her husband and kids, you’d never guess how much she loves Depeche Mode and vampires.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was 17 I was too consumed with being 17 to ever consider what I would be doing at 33. I thought 33 was old and boring (which it kinda is). I was a carefree, self absorbed teen who had never been in love, experienced grief, owed any debt, or had any real responsibilities, and of course I knew everything. I remember thinking I was at the top of my game, and I kinda was– for being totally clueless. I had some idea about going to college, but that was it. What I really wanted most at 17 was to have a boyfriend.
Where are you in actuality?
I currently live in San Francisco, and I am still amazed that I live in such a cool city. I have just had my second child, and I am blissfully happy. Because I had no set expectations I did all sorts of things in my 20′s. After college I packed up and moved to Lake Tahoe on a whim and ended up waiting tables. I am very proud to say that I was able to support myself in that profession. I learned more about hard work as a waitress than I did in college. No matter what kind of degree you have, if you forget their ketchup, you’re screwed. I followed a boy to Reno, Nevada and worked at a casino nightclub. I ended up marring said boy. The one thing that has been consistent in my live is my love and support for the arts. I have continued to work in the non-profit arts world since I graduated from high school. I currently work at the San Francisco Opera, which sounds fancier than it actually is.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
Landed? I don’t feel as though I’ve landed at all. I have a brand new baby, things are just beginning!
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Well I didn’t have any set goals about where I would be so I’m constantly surprised. I did go to college and I did get myself a boyfriend. I grew from both experiences. I never really had huge expectations about having a family, which is currently the is the main focus of my life. My experiences have made me a more appreciative and empathetic person.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Ten years from now I hope to be rid of the child car seats that are now occupying the back seat of my Honda. Yes, I will probably still have a Honda (hopefully an electric Honda). I hope to be making more money, take vacations, continue to love my wonderful husband and have well behaved children. Other then that it’s up in the air! When you keep your expectations basic you can achieve your goals and have plenty of room for surprises!
My earliest memory of Christian is from our Freshman year of high school. We were standing in front of the makeup mirror at the end of PE, getting ready to head back into school. She was putting on her makeup and talking, and I just remember thinking “who IS this person???” She seemed SO confident– and she had only transferred into the public school system a month or so earlier. Where did she get off being that confident when she was both a Freshman AND a new kid? I was a little shocked, and I was definitely drawn to her. It didn’t take long for us to become close friends, and the friendship has stood the test of time. When we were teens, she sort of resisted her name (Christian Love is her maiden name), but she embraced it with gusto in our 20s, and she’s going strong with it now.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
I was certain I would be in Northern California, San Francisco or beyond. I would be doing something in the creative arts or teaching dance, but had no real direction or drive regarding college education. The 17 yr old me lacked internal confidence. A lot of fear of what others thought of me. Free spirited on outside but all wrapped up inside and afraid to stand for what I believed in my core… Hilariously, I was voted most likely to become a professional palm reader or fortune teller by my HS class. Had an “I’ll try anything once” philosophy and man did that get me in some trouble later on! I never really thought that I would be married with kids by now.
Where are you in actuality?
35 is awesome. We live in Orange after spending 5 years in Northern Cal. I married the crazy man my 21 year old crazy self fell in love with, we have 3 kids ranging 18 to 2 years old, a house, an old dog and a career that was unexpected. I feel such a sense of having been sorted out. I literally thank God daily for all of it. I have had the pleasure of working as an account executive for the last 10 years in the health food / nutrition industry. I get to hang out in health food stores all day, how cool is that! That’s the hippie in me speaking. I sell vitamins, woo hoo! And on top of that, I get to immerse myself in my #1 passion by leading our women’s ministry at church.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
Faith, family, kids, strength, confidence, it’s all great. The getting there was arduous but worth it. It is unreal and I feel so privileged that I can spend time, connect, and teach women all day every day in work and in my church service. Despite having so many incredible female friends, at 17 I would have said that I preferred to hang with guys, or that they were the easier friendship. Flash forward almost 20 years and God completely redirected my life and priorities. I have the craziest most overwhelming mama bear enthusiasm for all of the women I come in contact with. I love the Bible, I love nutrition, I love women and working and contributing in my community, it is all great and I am blessed with the whole kit and caboodle.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Most obvious is that I am busy and have less “creative play” time. We would, as a family, call this our industrious season, to the max. My husband and I both work full time teach and serve so there is not as much time to be sewing and beading and painting. I never thought I would not be dancing daily and that part of my life has taken a huge sideline, at least the daily part. Dance, choreography and movement are all in my head at this point. I blame the kids. I wake early and fall asleep early. If you had told me at 17 that 9pm was bedtime I would’ve laughed and snuck out a window.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Finding a way to be full time ministry leader and a making jewelry slash crafty slash homeschooley mom. I’m sure that could all fit together. Or not. I am happy to watch something new knit together over time without a clear vision of what I want to happen. I feel no need to visualize because it is the “out of the box” blessings that thrill me. For me, life is so surprising. I do hope for continued growth in my family and marriage. And my vision for our new house will be completed of course in the Coastal Ranch House decor I am dreaming of putting together. My house would have finished floors (hopefully) by then. Oh and I will successfully have learned to surf. Add it to the list.
I couldn’t resist adding this video we made at Grad Night, where you can see Christian’s early skills as a dancer. Christian is the one on the far left, and obviously, she was “most funky” in our little group…
When I decided to start interviewing women I knew about where they are versus where they expected to be, Alison (Townsend) Dear was one of the women I most hoped would participate. Thanks to Facebook, I’ve been watching her family grow to numbers beyond what I’d expected for her and via a combination of having babies and adopting internationally. I was so curious about what had led her towards adoption and so inspired by her open advocacy of it that I wanted to hear her thoughts about all of it– and now we all get to! If you’re interested in knowing more about this dynamic mom, you can visit her blog at www.aroundtheworldin40weeks.com
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
Hmm, well for one thing I NEVER thought in a million years I’d still be in the same house, the one I was actually born in years ago. I definitely didn’t plan on staying in this area, not that I knew where I wanted to live, just not exactly here. I had a goal when I was younger (which I think started around the age of 17) to visit every inhabited continent by the age of 25 and planned on seeing the world. Ultimately, I always knew I wanted to stay home with my children eventually, but that was after I accomplished a few things…college, grad school, etc. By this age I think I thought I would be married and have a few kids, ultimately landing on 4.
Where are you in actuality?
Not far from where I was 18 years ago, geographically anyway and while I didn’t quite get to every continent, this year, just after my 35th birthday I finally made it to Africa (just over 10 years late). After college, the idea of grad school wasn’t quite as interesting anymore and I decided to pursue a dream of living in Paris instead where I went to pastry school and practiced lots of French. After much traveling and adventure, I married my best friend, who, thankfully, also loves to see the world.
In some respects I am right on target for where I thought I would be, however, in my grand scheme of amazing life “plans”, God seems to have a great sense of humor. First of all, when we got married, I wanted four children and my husband wanted 2. We didn’t talk much about it and I pursued a teaching credential and had been teaching a couple years when the desire to start a family came on me quite strongly, especially since I knew that’s what I ultimately wanted to do. We got pregnant less than a year later, had a son, and were on “track” for growing our family, but not in any rush to have a lot of children right away. At 14 months old, our son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes which definitely changed life as we knew it. I had been a pretty easy-going mom, not too rigid with schedules or routines or passifiers falling on the ground, but life with diabetes requires a pretty strict structure, especially with eating, and my degree in patisserie wouldn’t prove quite as valuable to a child that has to have every carbohydrate counted that enters his body. Nonetheless, God has been so good to us in this journey, really taking care of all of our needs and taking care of our sweet boy who has the most compassionate heart.
Okay (sorry this is long Leona :0), so here’s where all “my plans” just started slowly going out the window. Since we live in the house I grew up in and it has needed a bit of TLC, we begin plans to remodel the kitchen when one day quite clearly God put it on our hearts that we were meant to adopt. We had been having intense conversations with some friends on what living a life for Jesus means and the fact that God constantly calls us to “care for orphans” would not leave us. We decided to forego the kitchen dreams and sent in our paperwork. Within a few days, someone at our church heard about our heart for orphans and all of a sudden we were helping lead the adoption ministry in a church of about 10,000. We honestly laughed because we didn’t even know much about adoption at that point.
About 8 months after sending in our paperwork, we brought home our beautiful daughter from Korea and have since adopted two sons from Korea as well. Adoption was definitely not something I ever thought I would do, unless we had trouble getting pregnant. Currently we have four children 7, 5, 3, and 1 and I am pregnant with our fifth (and fourth son). Once we decided to adopt my husband said we would “have two biological and adopt two”, but that didn’t quite happen and now we’ve just decided to not put a number on how many children we’ll have, because clearly God is in control and not us. We also still have a heart to adopt from Africa someday and will see where He leads on that.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
While adoption never even entered my mind at 17, it has been such a blessing and an undeserved gift. Sometimes I wonder why God allowed me to have these precious children and other times I’m reminded of the challenges of having four kids under 8 . I love being married to my best friend and am thankful that we have the same passions. Through our journey of adopting and leading the adoption ministry we have also been so blessed to see other children given the gift of a family and there is nothing quite like it. Some of our favorite stories are of couples, trapped in the fears of “what if” in adopting, stepping forward and bringing a child or in some cases children into their home and being forever changed! It has truly been an honor to be able to say we played some small role in helping a child find a home and seeing these children with their families often makes me teary-eyed.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Like I said earlier, I never imagined being in the same place geographically and for me, who likes to travel and see the world, that can be difficult at times. Some days I long for more open space or to live in another culture, but I am grateful to be able to have a home in this economy and it is hard to complain living inSouthern California.
And, while adoption is a beautiful gift, it is not without its challenges. These are children who have suffered a great loss and often have fears of abandonnment and may have difficulty trusting and attaching. One of our adopted children has had extreme sleep issues and another had a very hard time attaching. When talking with others about adoption, we are usually very honest about the hardships, knowing it’s better to be prepared.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
When we got married we had a goal to travel the world for a year with our kids and that is definitely something we are hoping to do. (We even named our children after capital cities of the world hoping to take each of them to their special city some day.) And, as our family continues to grow, it is unlikely that we will be able to stay in this home forever, so I do see a move in our future at some point, and considering God’s sense of humor with us, we will likely have a few more children (hopefully another girl or two).
I’ve never told Jodi Williams this, but I always used to think of her (jokingly) as my rival. When we were in high school, Jodi was the ultimate golden girl- cheerleader, class president, gorgeous, fun, dazzling all around. Of course all the guys were in love with her… it was a pretty one-sided rivalry. And it had no real fire behind it on my part because Jodi is– and always has been– a totally lovely person. She’s also one of those people who, I’m sorry to say, is probably a lot cooler than you. She is definitely cooler than me. Read her answers to my interview questions, and if you overlook how she’s currently spending her Monday evenings, I think you’ll have to agree.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
I couldn’t fathom 35. At some point in very early life I decided that 17 was the optimum age – old enough to drive, young enough to get tried as a juvenile for any wrongdoings (honestly, I really thought that : note I have never been arrested and have always veered toward goody-two-shoesness). So at 17 I was shocked – SHOCKED - that I had reached the pinnacle of old age. However, at 18, having neither died nor stopped time at 17, I decided I should have a vision. I took out a sheet of lined notebook paper, wrote down that I would travel the world until I was 25 and then become Secretary of State. Then I tucked that piece of paper back into my Bible (I was a good and regular churchgoer at that age.)
Where are you in actuality?
I am not Secretary of State. But the vision I had gave me a focus through my 20’s.
I stayed true to my word and traveled the world until I was 25. I lived in Ireland and England and China. I did a masters degree atCambridge in Inner Mongolian studies (useful!) Then I moved to DC to work in politics (as necessary to be Secretary of State.) I worked in the Senate and on two presidential campaigns. Meeting and mingling and moving up the ladder. I took the Foreign Service Exam and passed all the interviews. And then, I said no.
I now live in a sleepy little apartment in West Hollywood. I have helped a friend start a new media company. Instead of flirting with secret service boys and being driven around in motorcades, my days now consist of an office everyday at 9 (okay, 9:30) and watching Modern Family on Monday nights. My life is very, very dull. And it is exactly where I want to be right now.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
There are SO many wonderful things. I take Italian classes. I see friends on a regular basis. I can schedule lunch with someone three weeks in advance (because I know what city I’ll be in)– and actually keep the appointment. I get to see my parents and cousins, who live nearby, all the time. I don’t lose half my wardrobe in hotel rooms. I can (attempt) to grow plants and (attempt) to cook. I can go to the gym and go hiking. Maybe soon I’ll even own a dog. Whoohoo! Life is wonderful. And most lovely of all about where I’ve landed– is the opportunity to be around the people I love and to build real and lasting relationships – especially with an amazing man I finally had the chance to meet once I stopped running around and to whom I am now engaged.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
There are at least two really formidable challenges, at least for me. The first, ripping up the script I had written for myself has been surprisingly terrifying. It gave me focus at a young age and I am grateful for that, but it was stomach churning to realize I wanted to deviate from it.
The second, acknowledging the compromises I’ve had to make for the life I have decided to live has been tough. For instance, swallowing the fact that there will probably be a lot more LuluLemon and a lot less Davos in my future is unsettling. I recognize that walking bambinos around Manhattan Beach is not a bad life – indeed is a blessed one and I am thrilled to build a future with my partner (which in reality, may or may not involve actually settling down and having kids – he has a bee in his bonnet to runaway to PeaceCorps). But I would be dishonest if I did not acknowledge the twinge I feel occasionally when I hear stories from friends now working at the White House or stationed as Foreign Service Officers in exotic locales. After years in DC, I made a conscious decision to drop out and move back to LA to concentrate on friends and family and a healthy, balanced life above and before my career. I am very glad that I did so. But I cannot say it was without loss or was made with crystal clear conviction. I have had to mourn things– position, power, pizzaz!, travel, engagement and stories. And I’ve had to acknowledge that the decision was muddy. That it is muddy. But that’s ok. Life is muddy. Mud is Earth’s great compromise and there’s always a lot of it around.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Whoa. I just got to 35. Good grief, I honestly don’t know. I think at 36 I’ll need to go back and grab that Bible and tuck my dreams inside once again. Who knows, perhaps Madame Secretary will pull me again. I’d love if there’s a ranch in my world somewhere. Some kids with my by then beautiful husband Jed. Some cheesemaking. Some alpacas. Some teaching. And of course gaggles and gaggles of friends and laughter and many, many moments of unexpected and breathtaking beauty.
When I was 14, my high school staged a production of South Pacific that was so good I just wanted to jump out of my seat and run up on stage. I literally had to remind myself more than once during the show that that would be inappropriate, and that I didn’t know any of the lines anyway. Terri Mowrey played Bloody Mary in that production, and her rendition of “Bali Hai” has stayed with me ever since. In fact, when Facebook suggested Terri as a friend a few years ago, I sent her a seriously belated fan letter that led to a lovely online friendship. I’m so flattered that she wanted to be included in this series! You can also see a video of the song I will forever associate with her at the bottom of the post, although sadly it isn’t Terri’s performance.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
Starting early in high school and throughout our college years there was a group of my best friends that would get together for an annual Christmas dinner. On one of these occasions we went around the room and stated where we thought each other would be when we grew up. Everyone laid out a different path that pretty much ended them all up in a marriage with various numbers of children, except for me. I was seen to be living in a loft in New York City, relationship yes but not married, no kids, making a living as an actress. I didn’t rebuff their assessment at all. At the time I had not yet experienced love, I had absolutely no desire to have a child, I wanted to be anywhere other than Orange County and my whole world revolved around being on a stage. It was exactly what I felt I wanted.
Where are you in actuality?
Funny thing is, I’m not too far off. I have not gotten married. I almost did in my early 20′s to a man I loved very much and still do but I don’t think I knew enough about myself at the time to make the commitment. No children. I ended up getting my Master’s in acting but it has become more of a hobby than the air I need to breathe. I have lived in San Francisco, New York (yes I did play out that fantasy), Alaska, Portland, OR and now back in Orange County for the past 7 years. I have made a more than comfortable living working in property management for over 10 years. Really, who would have EVER thought I would become a business woman, a successful, revered as a mentor one at that!
What’s great about where you landed instead?
Anything and everything is possible. Earlier this year I experienced one of my life’s most fulfilling achievements by writing and performing in my own one-woman show. The piece actually deals with many of the subjects this questionnaire brings about. I’ve been on stages since I was 7 but it wasn’t until doing this piece that I felt I truly graduated from “performer” to artist. Yes there were accolades but most important to me was how surprisingly it resonated on such a personal level to anyone who watched it. I don’t think I would have been able to have the opportunity to fully throw myself in creating this amazing artistic venture had I been in the confines of the traditional home life. I am proud to be independent. Proud that I have done it on my own. I have gotten to explore and experience anything I’ve been interested in and as a dear married with children friend of mine once said, “Terri, you’re getting to live a life!”
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
My challenge comes from now wanting the things I thought I didn’t want as a kid. LETTING myself have that now. I want to share my life with someone and be in it for the long haul. I’ve shunned this idea in fear of missing out on opportunities I thought only being independent could afford me. At this point I think I’ve made it pretty clear to myself that I don’t need to have another person in order to have a pretty darn good existence but I sure would like it!
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
My hopes for the future are more conceptual then tactile. I have no idea what shape or form it will take and to me it’s the best part of this journey. I hope to be even more blissful, calm and happy. Still curious about the world, still growing, healthy and content. (Oh, and it wouldn’t be terrible to get to tour my show on the regional theater circuit…)
When I met Kendra in a business networking group in 2004, I would never have guessed that our lives would converge as completely as they have in the last two years. Back then, I was a professional organizer dating her college sweetheart, and she was a full-time personal trainer and married. Although we developed a great professional relationship and met regularly to keep each other accountable to our respective business goals, we were both busy and settled enough that we didn’t really hang out for fun.
Five years later, when I returned to Orange County after a few years in the Bay Area and Eugene, Oregon, I was in the worst physical shape of my life, single, and shifting my focus to full-time freelancing in marketing & PR. It occurred to me that maybe Kendra would be open to trading marketing for training, and reaching out to her then wound up sparking what has become one of my most important friendships. In addition to ongoing professional support and encouragement, we have found ourselves on surprisingly common ground in our mid-thirties– out of the lives, careers, and relationships we were so serious about in 2004 and excited about the many adventures still ahead of us.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
Thinking back to 17 . . . I graduated High School and then did my first semester in college at the University of San Francisco. I suppose I lived very much in the present because I don’t remember having big ideas about where my life would go in terms of career or personal life. I chose Business Administration as my major because I thought that no matter what I ended up doing I would have to make money and business knowledge made sense. Turned out to be a smart idea. Some of my girlfriends would buy bridal magazines and had ideas about how many kids they would have but those thoughts really never entered my mind. My passion for travel hadn’t kicked in. Coming from Auburn, CA I knew that San Francisco would be a fantastic place to explore and learn about other cultures and people. I grew up as a dancer and my Mom always reminds me that I once said a dancer’s career is over by like 26. That turned out to be very ironic.
Where are you in actuality?
It is the eve of my 34th birthday and I am in Los Angeles packing my bags to spend 6 weeks back in my little room in Auburn, CA with the folks. My latest business venture of teaching a nutrition program has allowed me to quit my personal training business and be completely free and flexible with my time and geographic location. So far it’s amazing. My friends shake their heads when I roll my suit case in and stay a night or two. “I have to have a home base,” a girlfriend just told me. I feel that I am in the perfect place of having little to no responsibility to take my show on the road. I love travel and I have friends and family all over the place. I suppose I never thought I would be in this place at this age.
Although I recently quit dancing professionally, the irony of my younger thought was that I moved to Los Angeles and STARTED my dance career at 26. Now I look back at my younger self and am surprised that I thought I would ever quit being an entertainer. It’s in my blood.
I am also divorced. I hate even typing that fact. Although marriage was never in my mind too much as a teen, I definitely never thought I would be divorced at any age. The romantic belief in marriage and forever was something I assumed would most likely happen to me.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
I am thrilled (and a twinge nervous) to feel so young and free in my mid-thirties. I can remember my parents “Over The Hill” 40th birthday parties. Everything was decorated in black and I imagined that everything was downhill from there. HA! I am thankful for all the experiences and friends and jobs and relationships that have brought me this far and I know there will be so much more to enrich my life. I am blessed to have a 91 year old Grandpa which reminds me that there is sooooo much life to live and places to see that I only need to stay in the present to breathe it all in.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
What makes me a twinge nervous about this free spiritness is that I am not sure if I will settle down into one place with kids and all the typical “American Dream” stuff. Okay actually it’s the whole stupid biological clock thing. There I said it. I might want that but what if not until my mid-forties? We all know the risk and likelihood of that. In the last couple of years I gave a lot of thought to this issue. Older friends have encouraged me to freeze my eggs and yada yada. For now I am trusting the universe and following my heart as best as I can. Living in the present like I did when I was 17 was a good way to be.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Well, this goes against my last sentence but for the sake of journalism I’ll try. I hope to have a thriving business in health and wellness that provides at least four times the residual income that I make right now. I also hope to be doing philanthropy work and that I will get a clear message on what exactly it is I should do. I hope to have a loving and supportive relationship that lasts for as long as I am able to continue to evolve within.
Kendra blogs, promotes her nutrition classes and ideas, and sells nutrition and beauty products at www.KendraCannoy.com.
Jessalynn was getting her PhD in the program in which I got my Master’s at the University of Oregon. Somehow I didn’t realize until towards the end of our two years together that we were both oriented towards public relations, so thank goodness Facebook has been there to keep the flame alive since I returned to California and she’s gone east to pursue her career dreams. I’m so grateful that she took some time to answer these questions, and with each new entry in this series, I am more and more in awe of the women I have the privilege to call my friends. Ladies: I’m thinking of starting some kind of summit/party…
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was seventeen, I figured that by 35 I’d be married with two kids, like my mother was. (Okay, I won’t be 35 until January, but I’m already jumping in with two feet.) Looking back, I think I thought that’s where I’d be because getting married and having kids was normal, and I desperately wanted to be normal when I was 17. I didn’t think I’d ever get to a point in life (like the one I’m at now) where being normal is the thing I dread the most.
Career-wise and geographically tend to bundle together, since it’s my job as a college professor that brought me to Cincinnati, OH. If you’d told me at 17 that I’d someday teach in a college, I’d have had a hard time believing you. But I probably would have laughed in your face if you’d told me I was going to live in Cincinnati, and actually like it.
Where are you in actuality?
I’m finally beginning to admit that I live in the midwest, although some Midwesterners disavow Cincinnati as part of the south. (It’s true that, to paraphrase Sarah Palin, I can see Kentucky from my house.) I’ve been living in Cincy for about 15 months now and I absolutely love it here. This city is a huge underdog but it’s got a lot of potential, and a lot of weird energy going on with the attempts to resurrect it.
After about five years of serial monogamy, I’ve been single now for about a year and a half. I have to admit that I’m more comfortable being single – making my own decisions, not taking anyone else into consideration, etc. In the words of a Kenny Chesney song, “I’m pretty good all alone at night.” I don’t get lonely often, and when I do, I drink a bottle of wine and have a good cry, then I get on with my life. What else are you going to do?
I often joke that some of us are genetically bred to be single. Either that’s true, and I’m one of those people, or I’ve adapted really well. Either way works, I guess.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
I’m really, really proud of getting my PhD and a job as a college professor. It wasn’t always like that, even as recent as two years ago, mostly because I have a hard time giving myself credit for the things I do well.
I’m proud of the relationship I have with my family (divorced mother and father, younger brother). Things have been rocky since I became an adult, but they’ve remained a priority to me. I’m proud that my parents respect and like me, in addition to loving me (which, you know, they have to). And I’m really glad to have a good relationship with my brother, who’s 10 years younger than me, and that he actually voluntarily hangs out with me on a pretty regular basis.
And I’m proud to know some pretty awesome people and call them my friends. I just don’t think I would have had the time to cultivate these relationships with so many amazing people (most of them women) if I’d married and had kids. (The career makes it pretty hard as it is.) And I’d hate to imagine my life without them.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
In my lonely, bottle-of-wine phases, I like to tell people that I gave up not one, but two relationships with men in order to pursue my career. And technically, that’s true – one relationship ended because I moved to Oregon for grad school, and another because I moved to Ohio to take my job – but let’s be honest: Those guys weren’t right for me anyway. I do feel that my career and my degree make it hard for me to date. Partially, I’ll admit, my standards are higher – not because I think that I’m all that and a bag of chips, but because I’ve realized how important it is for me to have an intellectual conversation with the person I’m dating. Also, there’s nothing scarier to a man (most men, at least) than a woman with a PhD. You’d think, in the words of Bridget Jones, that we all had scales covering our bodies under our clothes. (It was really hard to realize that I’m actually *older* now than the character of Bridget Jones, who I think is 33 when the movie starts.)
It’s hard getting into my mid-30s and realizing that my life is never going to take a traditional path. I don’t particularly want children, and increasingly I’m not afraid that I’ll get to a point where I look back and regret not having them. But being childless (by choice) and single (not always by choice, but okay with it) requires a lot of explaining. It’s exhausting, to do all the explaining, and to continually rearrange my life to account for the people who are constantly coming in and going out of it.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Ah, ten years from now is the magic year where I will finish paying off my student loans and grad-school credit card debt. And then, my life will begin. I’ll be 45 and I am going to kick ass and take names. I can’t wait.
When I was a Freshman in high school, Megan Keith was in my French class. Sometimes, she and her friend Chad wouldn’t show up. As the year progressed, I learned that they would ditch school to do things they were more interested in– like driving to the beach to eat doughnuts. I remember the moment at which their activities shifted my paradigm about what it took to succeed in school. It was so distinct, it might as well have been a literal door opening in my brain. If you were smart enough, you could ditch sometimes and still get good grades. Chad told me something to the effect that he felt like his obligation to attend high school was a contract he’d had no part in creating, so he felt entitled to steal back some of his own time to use as he saw fit. Their influence changed the rest of my high school experience and the rest of my life. I don’t know if Megan knows how significant an impact she had on my life then and in the years we were “sisters” in drama afterwards, but when she agreed to do my questionnaire for the blog, it was truly like having a hero agree to visit my home. If you like what she says here, check out more of her thoughts at 86redshoes.wordpress.com.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
Ha! I thought I would be married to someone I considered my best friend and we would have two children. I knew I wouldn’t change my name. I knew we would have a relationship based on respect, equality, and fun. My husband would make enough money for me to work part-time and to take care of the children the rest of the time. I would have the luxury of choosing work that sparked my passion but not necessarily contributed to the bills. I don’t think that any of this was a conscious goal; it was an assumption based on the prominent women in my life. By the age of 17, I identified strongly with feminism but didn’t see any conflict with my my passion for gender equality and my desire to be a glorified housewife. I knew I would not be living where I grew up in Southern California, but I didn’t have a clear sense of where that would be. I had the great privilege of growing up with lots of travel, and I figured that would be a regular occurrence in my life.
Where are you in actuality?
I am 36. I am single. I have no children. I have lived in Claremont, Nepal, Zimbabwe, Claremont again, Nepal again, San Francisco, Santa Fe, Aspen, and Boulder. I have worked as a health care intern, a barista, a river guide, a ski patroller, a caretaker, a sales person, a website manager, a caterer, and a Pilates teacher. I am currently applying to graduate school for a doctoral degree in Gender Studies. The most important people in my life are my family: my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and my niece.
I am not pining for the one who got away, nor am I waiting for Prince Charming. I have (most days) found great happiness in being alone.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
I have had the flexibility to follow random dreams and walk down dead ends (dead ends that taught me a lot, but still dead ends). I have surprised myself with my strengths. Instead of choosing a path out of fear, I have followed my heart. I have struggled to pay my bills, but I have had adventures. I lived in Kathmandu and learned to speak Nepali. I spent two summers on a raft on rivers in New Mexico. I lived in a yurt. I lived on top of a mountain where I spent my days skiing and my nights vacuuming. I flew to France with a boyfriend of two weeks, just because he asked. I have written for two blogs: one promoting a bike-friendly culture and one (of my own) where I rant against sexism. I have led a life where I’ve resisted commitment (to a partner, to a place, to a job) in favor of adventure and the unknown. I don’t regret that.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
The challenge of leading an unconventional life is that one is asked to constantly explain oneself. I am tired of defending my singleness, my childlessness, my lack of career. It’s exhausting. Yes, having a partner (a kind, respectful, intelligent, and funny one, of course) is appealing, but I’m not spending my free time on Match.com to find one. No, I do not want to be set up with your single friend. No, I’m not bitter or desperate. Really, really, really. While I once assumed that I would have children, I have never been certain that I wanted them. I still don’t know. I hope I get to make that decision before biology decides for me. Applying to graduate school in Gender Studies feels like I’ve finally answered the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I want to be researching the ways we define gender and sexuality and how those definitions change across cultures. Do I wish I had figured this out twenty years ago? No! I love my eclectic job history, and my circuitous, adventure-filled journey makes me certain that I know (finally) what I want.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
Ahhh…in ten years, I’ll be a professor with a lovely feminist husband. I’ll have one child. We’ll live within walking distance of my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, nephew, and niece. We’ll travel frequently to visit my other brother on an international bike tour. We’ll be living car-free near the ocean. Surfing and skiing will be frequent activities in our lives. I’ll be doing research for a nonprofit organization and teaching one or two classes.
And if none of that happens and I’m pulling coffee shots in a Tuscan village, that will be okay too.
I met Shannon Kaye, an Artist/Design & Color expert whom you may recognize from the DIY Channel’s “Fresh Coat,” through a mutual friend about a year ago, and it was kismet. We found so much in common personally and professionally that we’ve become each other’s one-woman fan club, while constantly looking for a golden opportunity to work together on a project. I love what she does with color, I love her blog at www.ShannonKaye.com, and I love the apron she’s wearing in the photo (I originally had above, but now have) below.
When you were 17, where did you think you would be by your current age?
When I was 17, I could only see up to my 30′s which seemed like an eternal oasis of adulthood and independence. But I knew I wouldn’t live in the same town or go to church. And yet, rebellion in full regalia, I still pictured myself as a mother and teacher.
Where are you in actuality?
I’ve exited the eternal oasis and am now thriving in my 40′s. I don’t have kids, which makes me really sad, and although I’m not a conventional teacher, I do believe I teach and inspire more every day. That feels good.
What’s great about where you landed instead?
What’s great about my “real” life is that I’m artist, that I have means for communicating that I didn’t know about when I was seventeen. I’ve run my own business for 13+ years, painted artwork for amazing people, and connected with people in deep loving ways that still surprise. That’s pretty cool.
What’s challenging about landing someplace different than you’d imagined?
Making peace with the fact that I probably won’t give birth in my lifetime has been painful and disorienting. And yet… if it were ever the right thing for me, I guess I would’ve done it? Being single at this stage of the game has been uncomfortable too. Society puts so much pressure on certain things that if you don’t achieve them, you’re sort of singled out as having failed in some way. I’m finally kicking that notion because at this stage of the game I’ve seen plenty of failed marriages, damaged kids, lost homes and jobs… that’s not said with vindication, but with a spirit of feeling proud of my choices, accomplishments, and relationships. I’m good.
Where do you hope to be 10 years from now?
In 10 years I hope to be living, at least part time, in France, making a beautiful living with my soul mate, my art, and my passport.
I met Stephanie when we both worked for Federated Media in Sausalito (just before we & the company moved to San Francisco). We shared an office (along with the rest of our department) in a funky little office building within walking distance of the Bay. Stephanie was so patient with me while I was learning the ropes, and something about her presence was really calming as I adjusted to a new job in a new city. Since leaving FM, I’ve been so grateful that we’ve kept in touch as she’s gone on to New York and I’ve bounced back to So Cal. I’m delighted to get to feature her today as the latest in this series!
and while I didn’t quite get to every continent, this year, just after my 35th birthday I finally made it to Africa (just over 10 years late). After college, the idea of grad school wasn’t quite as interesting anymore and I decided to pursue a dream of living in Paris instead where I went to pastry school and practiced lots of French. After much traveling and adventure, I married my best friend, who, thankfully, also loves to see the world.
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